


I Really AM My Mom...

by citrusella



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: (past the first ten minutes and promo of course), Anaphylaxis, Crack, Gen, Peanut allergy, So..., but not... like... written with any knowledge of what that entails, disney death?, someone gets poofed but technically no one dies permanently, somewhat set in the upcoming wanted special
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 15:14:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10993521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/citrusella/pseuds/citrusella
Summary: "When you're singing, you want to use enough air that you could blow a throatful of peanut butter clear across the room."The crackiest of escape-from-Homeworld plots, based on a ClickHole article and a joke headcanon.





	I Really AM My Mom...

**Author's Note:**

> Crack based on [this ClickHole article containing a fake quote attributed to Patti LuPone](http://www.clickhole.com/theysaidwhat/find-out-what-roger-federer-patti-lupone-and-danie-6043) and [this Did You Know Steven Universe post](http://didyouknowstevenuniverse.tumblr.com/post/116364695760/source-x-caramel-cookie-cat-was-also-considered).
> 
> Almost not even meant to be good. Really short. Written with almost no revision.
> 
> ~~I'm sorry~~

The warm-hued, cold-hearted diamond towered above the boy's short, stocky body.

Oh, how he hoped this would work.

Suddenly, rocks toppled from all manner of high place.

And it was to begin.

As Yellow Diamond looked to the ledges from which the stones fell, Steven shimmied unnoticed onto her leg.

Her feet danced around the fallen slag as she attempted to remain stably upright, and Steven used this to his advantage, swaying to an inaudible beat in time with the space monarch's careful steps.

A sudden bright light encompassed the two as they became one, a being towering only slightly taller than a diamond but nonetheless lacking the hardened purity of its larger half.

Indignant, the being looked down at itself in shock before falling apart. Steven worked quickly to regain control over his descent--this plan would be half useless if he didn't live to see the end of it! As he landed, her derisive eyes locked onto his small form.

"How dare you even _attempt_ to fuse with a Diamond?! Let alone succeed! You shall endure the harshest p--"

"Lars! Now!" Steven's voice cut the foreboding judgement off as the taller teen lept from behind a boulder. He let out a battle cry as he held up a makeshift slingshot and flung what appeared to be a donut at the towering tyrant. His eyes squinted in schadenfreude as the payload squarely hit its intended target--her mouth.

Bullseye.

"What--? How--?" She stopped herself as she noticed her face was beginning to slowly swell as if a boy in a bubble was attempting to break free from deep within its confines. Except there was no boy there--not technically, anymore--and this was much slower than any Topaz might poof apart. Slow enough, conveniently, for questions.

"What have you done to me?" she coughed, angry eyes looking weakly at the misshapen Rose Quartz before her.

Steven closed his eyes and took a breath as Lars walked up to his side before he began, his voice wearing a strong facade as it attempted to show no sign of the guilt he felt. "You see, I wasn't sure it'd work, but then it did..."

_I'll always exist in them, even if I split apart._

"...When we fused, we made something new. And even though we broke apart, that part of us still exists in both of us."

He sighed.

"I gave you my severe peanut allergy... and then Lars"--he gestured to his side as the adolescent waved tersely--"shot a peanut butter donut into your mouth. ...That was all it took."

Yellow Diamond's eyes widened, a last wave of strength washing over her as her lips pursed and her head drew back in shock. How dare they get the upper hand! And to pull a repeat Pink scenario, no less! She raised her fist--she'd squash this organic, shatter this quartz on the spo--!

_Poof!_

Steven solemnly stepped toward the large, now-inert gem, Lars cautiously following suit. He kneeled and bubbled it; out of habit he touched its top, and it was only once it disappeared that he stopped to wonder if it could arrive at the temple from this far away.

He looked to Lars as they started to walk away together and nodded, face expressionless as he tried to shake the distinct notion that he was no different than the mighty Rose Quartz.

Yellow Diamond's Pearl peeked out from behind a column, knees shaking in disbelief of what happened. She didn't even have to speak for Steven to know what she wanted to say--and respond in a heavy voice:

"The Yellow Diamond you knew and loved is already gone."

**Author's Note:**

> what better way to celebrate my birthday tomorrow (5/25) than by posting the simultaneously silliest and most serious story to remind us all that life is both fun and short


End file.
